I've had some things that have been on my mind that I want to write down. I'll put pictures on here later...sorry if that is all you're looking for.
First, I am having the hardest time getting back to real life. I feel like I'm stuck in this post-pregnancy haze that I can't quite shake. I'm getting fair amounts of sleep so that can't be it. I finally feel like I am healing from the inside out. There isn't much pain. I am really struggling to get back to feeling normal. Maybe it is that there is a new normal? Keeping up with a new born and an extremely busy almost 17 month old is kicking my behind. I hope that one day my house will be clean again, laundry will be caught up, and I will feel sane. Until then I will try daily to have more patience with my kids. It makes me sad to think that I have probably yelled at them more than played with them. What kind of memories are those? Crappy ones...for all of us. I will make a conscience effort to not stress about the little stuff. It is hard though. I feel like I'm failing when I don't have things done that I want done. What to do, what to do. Keep trying is all I can do. So I will.
Random: I know I'm still in the post-pregnancy haze because when I hear about people that are pregnant or about to have their babies I am not excited for them. I feel sorry for them! At the same time I think, its a good thing I've already had mine because I only have a few more weeks of the hard stuff and then my life should get a little easier! See, terrible. I should be happy for people.
In the midst of all my self-pity I have a great need to just sit and hug my kids. To let them know that their mom loves them no matter what. Some of our friends from Douglas are dealing with cancer. The guy that Brent taught with and shared an office with is losing his wife to cancer. They have two little kids ages 6 and 3. Last night he said Avery understands but I don't know how little Ridge will handle not having a mommy around. It absolutely breaks my heart. How can I be so selfish and impatient with my kids when Teressa only has a few weeks, maybe days with her kids. Pray for them. For peace and comfort.
So that is what has been on my mind. It feels better to get it out somewhere. Happy posts to come, I promise!
7 comments:
Aw, hang in there! It's ok to feel down. I would maybe talk with my mom, perhaps you're feeling like this because you no longer have certain parts of your old body and thus your body is having a hard time regulating hormones? Apart from the norm, you have four kids all close in age.
And I get excited for people who are pregnant but then I go home and think, I'm glad it's not me! Ha ha.
Stop with the shoulds, accept what "is" and realize that you're ok feeling how you're feeling. Love you!!
You know what I say? Get it all out girlie! Having a baby throws us all for a loop...you are already know that. So let the craziness just happen and run its course. you know your house isn't going to be perfect so just enjoy those babies!
I love that I'm not the only one who has these post-pregnancy thoughts about life! You are fabulous. And we miss you guys like crazy! We'll get together this summer when our babies are in the "easier" stage! Love ya girlie!
I thought I was the only one who struggled with this stuff after having baby! I'm glad I'm not. And, I don't have 4 really close in age. You are doing a fabulous job. And, really, your kids are not going to remember the times when you were so stressed, and yelled at them a little. They are so forgiving, and resilient. Mine bounced back, and i was absolutely, positively, crazy after Tristan. I got on meds after I had him. I went in before my 6 weeks, because I was struggling so much. They helped me so so so much. I was able to cope, and little things didn't seem so astronomical anymore. I was a nicer mom. Don't feel bad to call your Dr. That's what he's there for!! Hang in there, I know you know it will get easier, but, it never makes it easier to cope with at the time. . .
Sorry about your friend with cancer. We just had a friend who delivered her stillborn baby at 8 months. She has 3 little girls, and this was her fourth, her final, and a baby boy. I ache for her. As I do for your friend. It definitely puts things into perspective.
i don't have kids, but i can relate on a small level to what you've expressed. i am notorious for counting down the days until "x" comes, and as a result, neglect any meaningful moment along the way. i imagine being the mom of four kids (under the age of, what, 6?) is a tough, tough role. just know, from the outside looking in, i think you're doing a wonderful job. and i'm not just saying that. seriously, when wyatt and i do start to have kids i would like to have them all close together like you. and i ofter think to myself, "if only i can do it half as well as collette." you really are my hero. and remember, even heros have bad days... spells.
awareness is the first step. you've recognized how you want to improve... now you can move forward with your plan. hang in there! you're doing great!
Collette, I feel the same way! My baby is 5 1/2 months old and I swear I feel guilty more than anything else. I CAN tell an improvement in my mothering skills over the past years, and it DOES get easier having a baby around. I mean, I've gotten used to having four kids.
You DO have a new normal. And....your hormones are out of whack. Remember? I was doing "pretty good" and then 6 weeks hit and boom! I was crying and grouchy and depressed. Hang in there. Your life is crazy right now, but your kids are healthy and happy. Who cares about a messy house and dirty dishes or cereal for dinner?
You are a great mom, I know this because you are a great person!
Thanks for sharing! We are all in the trenches together here. :)
Post pregnancy fog is awful. But my post-hysterectomy fog was worse. To have both? Yikes girl!
You'll come out of it soon and feel sooo much better.
I add my two cents to all the rest, you are doing so great! Those kids have a fantastic mommy!!
Oh Collette, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time! I think it is great that you were able to voice it, and strong enough to admit that it is hard. Your little ones will LOVE you no matter what you are going through right now, even if you are a little cranky! Four kids so close must be extremely exhausting for you, I wish I was closer so that I could help in some way! All I can say is that from what I can tell, you are a wonderful mom and that your cute little kids are very lucky to have you.
So sad about your friends with their battle with cancer, made me give my little ones an extra hug and kiss tonight! I hope you feel better soon and remember it has only been a few weeks sine you had a major surgery, don't get down on yourself. Take care.
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